The following text is a part of a short-stories series. I haven’t decided how many parts this one will have, so let’s just see and start with the first one. The following text is the first part of a 3-part story. You can find a link to the next part, at the end of this first part.
How to start this? I am not exactly sure which point is the starting point: The chronologic starting point, the “first meeting”? The begin of our friendship? Even further? I don’t know. I mean even at the start, something was different. Like it was meant to be. I was always kind of the writing (yeah, choosing letter form might also lead to this impression ;-)) and verbal type, but with you it was always different: We did not have to speak about things to know. Just sitting there together right next to each other watching Babylon. Yes, now I know better: Back then I sensed the right things and kind of made the right evaluation about you, but… Because of the lack of knowledge (happens when not speaking about things), I came to the wrong conclusions about the reasons behind it. I wish, I would have known better. I am sure, I would have done things differently. I just saw myself in you and thought, you would have the same reasons behind your behaviour than I had. I mean, yes, still: We have so much in common and deep inside we are indeed very much alike, but we came to this point out of very different directions… So talking would have helped. Man, I wish, I would have known back then, what I know now. I had so many questions back then. I did not ask them. I did not want to overcharge you, wanted to give you time and space. Perhaps it was too much, but what should I have done instead? Force you to answer my questions? No, I don’t think that would have helped: I believe in friendships, where all parties have free will and respect about one another. But you know what? This is not what really matters. I indeed do not know, if this would have changed anything or just delayed it or speeded things up.
You know what the most funny and at the same time the most sad thing is? I kind of found the person, that gave me the courage to be myself again and helped me to stay myself. And how did I lose this person? Because he did not have the courage to be himself and follow his heart. I don’t get it: The exact same person saying to me, he wants to always do the right things. But this? This does not at all feel like the right thing. Until now, I haven’t found somebody that could explain to me what in hell could be right about this! I don’t really understand it, but well: What were this wise words again about “Letting someone you love go”? Yes, I kind of did this. It is not my style, forcing people to do what I want. I mean, yes, you could have counted on my help, in helping you to be yourself and following your heart, but the decision was not mine to take. I literally would have done anything for you. Why haven’t you just talked to me? I mean like really talking with all aspects and not just about some small parts of the full picture? But well, I think the most important thing is not all the stuff that could have been different in the past. I think you will always find something you could have done better, more wisely and just perfect, if you would have had more input data for your decisions (literally know the possible future resulting from a decision). I think the most important thing for me is all the good times. I mean, true love is not just some word from books or movies, it is possible. I found it. And know what? The important thing is not keeping it (okay, this would have been magical, of course…), but at least experiencing it. I mean, before all this, I always had the feeling to search for this kind of love, for this one person that combines best friendship with love, that combines being so much alike me with some differences that makes it possible to always learn from each other and experience something new together. And now? I don’t need to search for this anymore, in fact: I not even want to. I had exactly this kind of love and this is like more I could have ever asked for. Of course, I always wanted you to decide different. But that’s what I signed up for: I signed up for loving you. And this love meant and means for me to respect and trust decisions taken by you. I think this is also the most relevant thing behind this “Letting someone you love go”. Yes, I mean: When you really(!) love someone, you want them to be happy and want them to be able to make decision they want to take. So you respect and don’t doubt this decisions, even if you believe that they are wrong. You put the other one before yourself. And this is exactly what you do when letting someone go, if he wants to. But at the same time, I think that this was my first and last true love. That’s what I decided: I will never ever settle for less. And, nevertheless, after all, everyone but you will be less. And I don’t want less. It would always feel like a compromise, like a replacement and it is not fair to anyone being just a compromise. And also: I don’t want to replay a love-story I already experienced again with somebody else. And since I always had two roads in mind for me (the first one is this kind of love), I took the other road afterwards, after you. Being happy is not so much depending on what you experience, but what you make out of it. You can be happy in nearly every situation. And when it comes to other people, you cannot so much change how they behave or decide, you can just change yourself. You can change to the person you want to (of course adapted to those around you: You cannot change them, but you can change the people being around you). But all those memories of us, they are a part of me and I am happy to have them. Even if I hoped for a different situation, a different decision, it is like it is and those memories will stay. Funny that we have not really broken up. You haven’t decided for me, but also not really against me. But I break up the commitment we had. I think it’s just a logical result from respecting your decision and combining it with my decision to decide for a different road. It is indeed long overdue to tell you. Sorry, it took me so long.
Always yours, Sara
To read the second part, follow this link.